Flightless Bird

Every now and then I like to give myself a little homework. This time I wanted to do something with hyperrealism, so I went to google, of course. I can’t think of anything else to do with what I came up with, so here it is, dedicated to Larry Page and Sergey Brin:



Flightless Bird 1



what does my name mean what do dreams mean what does jai ho mean what do contractions feel like what do turtles eat what do ladybugs eat what do dolphins eat what do rabbits eat what do raccoons eat what do rose colors mean what do rhinos eat what do Russians eat what do rubber bands do for braces what do Russians look like what do Russians wear what do runners eat what do rivers do

flightless bird

who moved my cheese who is my congressman who killed the electric car who invented the internet who will I marry who wrote the declaration of independence who wrote the bible who watches the watchmen who was mysterion who was the 16th president who was the first president of the united states who was I in my past life who was involved in world war one who was involved in world war two who was Isaac Newton who was in my room last night who was in the river



Flightless Bird 2



it’s all coming back to me now it’s all over it’s all right here it’s all coming back to me now it’s all about you it’s me or the dog it’s deductible it’s just lunch it’s orange it’s my style

flightless bird

if there were no black people in the world if there are five apples and you take away three how many do you have if there are 20 chromatids in a cell how many centromeres are there if there are no sidewalk a pedestrian should do what if there is an unconscious player on the field what should you do if there is a tie in the electoral vote how is an election decided if I die in a war if I die tomorrow if the river was whiskey if there even is a river



Flightless Bird 3



how do I tie this tie how do people kiss how do I get pregnant how does stuff work how do I lose weight how do I know if someone likes me how do I know if I’m pregnant how do I get a passport how do I hide my friends how do I hide my comments how do I start my own business how do I secure my wireless network how do I send a picture to a cell phone how do I switch my phone how do I sweat less how do I swim in this river

flightless bird

when is easter when is the superbowl when will I die when will I grow up when is St. Patrick’s day when will the world end when will the economy get better when will I get married when will I die quiz when will I see you again when will I start my period when will I stop growing when will I start showing when will I start to feel my baby move when will the river open this year



Flightless Bird 4



is it true that the world is going to end in 2012 is it true that Obama will not salute the flag is it true that your heart stops when you sneeze is it true once a cheater always a cheater is it true that if you don’t use it you lose it is it true that you swallow spiders in your sleep is it true that your nose and ears never stop growing is it true that you are what you eat is it true that you’ve always been this breathtaking is it true that you can’t put your itunes on your blackberry is it true that this is the river

flightless bird

is it a boy or a girl is it any wonder is it a good idea to microwave this is it a good time to buy a car is it a full moon tonight is it all or nothing is it a cold or allergies is it a date is it always dark in Alaska is it always right to be right is it always essential to tell the truth or are there circumstances in which it is better to lie is it always possible to win solitaire is it always dark in space is it always 5:00 somewhere is it always cold in Alaska is it always raining somewhere it is always wrong to lie is it always this river



Flightless Bird 5



can I run it can I have your number can I get pregnant on my period can I afford a house can I take Tylenol while pregnant can I take a bath while pregnant can I trust you can I take Tylenol pm while pregnant can I text from my computer can I tan while pregnant can I paint over wallpaper can I paint while pregnant can I pay my taxes with a credit card can I play this game can I put my bong in the dishwasher can I put Neosporin on my dog can I put water in the radiator can I put wine in the freezer can I put this in the water

flightless bird

do I need a passport to go to Canada do I need a passport to go to Mexico do I qualify for food stamps do I love you do I have a.d.d. do I have a warrant do I have diabetes do I need a passport to go to the Bahamas do I have to file a tax return do I have depression do I have conflicker do I have herpes do I have the flu do I have an eating disorder do I have to know how to swim to go there



Flightless Bird 6



must we mean everything we say all the time must we burn this must we fear adolescent sexuality must we wear skirts must we die must we dream our dreams must we be silent must we leave the river

flightless bird

is there a god is there life on mars is there life after death is there school tomorrow is there any way I can get this popular guy to stay at my house is there going to be a new moon movie is there a fourth of July in England is there a way to see who views your profile is there someone out there is there a way to get taller is there a way to delete all my messages at once is there a million dollar bill is there a morning after pill for dogs is there a movie called Corpus Christi is there a mana loom in dalaran is there a man in the moon is there a new planet is there a holiday today is there a generic for lexapro is there a generic for Lipitor is there a history for forever is there a generic for nexium is there a generic for yaz is there a generic for singulair is there a million dollar hat is there a generic for valtrex is there a ghost in the river



Flightless Bird 7



is it safe to travel to Mexico is it possible to be pregnant and still get your period is it a boy or a girl is it possible to curve a bullet is it better to eat before or after exercise is it ok to wear black to a wedding is it ok to run every day is it ok to drink milk after the expiration date is it all right for me to feel this way is it all right to compress insulation is it this river we crossed

flightless bird

were there weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were there dinosaurs on the ark were there people before Adam and Eve were there any animals on flight 1549 were there any black people on the Titanic were there were there slaves in the north were there any white slaves were there any presidents before George Washington were there any unmarried presidents were there any Jewish presidents were there any other black presidents were there rivers before this one



Flightless Bird 8



can a fish drown can a fish get drunk can a fish cough can a fish swim backwards can a dog get a woman pregnant can a dog take aspirin can a dog break its tail can a cat break its tail can a cat overdose on catnip can a cat and a dog mate can a square be a rectangle can a square be a rhombus can a squirrel be a pet can a square be a kite can a bird smell can a bird fly in space can a horse impregnate a human can a horse learn to mimic human speech can a horse and a zebra mate can a unicorn fly can a river run uphill

flightless bird

will a gun fire in space will a short sale hurt my credit will a yeast infection go away on its own will a sinus infection go away on its own will a colon cleanse help you lose weight will a comet hit the earth in 2012 will a cell phone pop popcorn will a cold air intake void my warranty will a car seat fit in my car will a cat’s whiskers grow back will a candle burn in a spaceship where everything is weightless will it be worth it to find out will the ringing in my ears stop will river water help you lose weight will river water make you gain weight



Flightless Bird 9



where are they now where does the vice president live where is my refund where is Chuck Norris where is the g spot where is my state refund where is my stimulus check where is Dubai where is your appendix where is the grand canyon where is the superbowl this year where is the appendix where is Timbuktu where is the grand canyon located where is the pancreas located where is the head of this river

flightless bird

why is the sky blue why do men have nipples why is Friday the 13th unlucky why is Pluto not a planet why is the reaction of ethane with bromine called an addition reaction why is there no J street in DC why is there something rather than nothing why is there blood in my stool why is this the 56th inauguration why is this the river why is the red river flooding



Flightless Bird 10



are there infinitely many natural numbers that are not prime are there immortals are there irons on cruise ships are there interstate highways in Hawai’i are there igloos in Alaska are there really aliens are there real vampires in the world are there requirements for covered entities to have written policies are there real mermaids are there real zombies are there snakes in Ireland are there rivers in the rainforest

flightless bird

how long does it take to get a passport how long does weed stay in your system how long does cocaine stay in your system how long does alcohol stay in your system how long does it take to boil an egg how long does sperm live how long does implantation bleeding last how long can you go without sleep how long can a person float